BLOW ME AWAY

♥Thursday, July 21, 2011

Life isn't what you think it is. It's FAIR!

I started to be grateful nowadays. From my experience and now from depression. I see a brighter me. Things does not go well when my friends tries to ask me to do things to help myself. As a friend, please do not think that I'm sick. I'm actually not sick. I guess. Things have gotten better from last few months.

I'm happier. You do see a happier me, right? Please do not spoil me. I would not allow you to spoil me and affect me. I'm sorry but for once I have the right to say this. I think you are nothing to me but just a friend so don't make me sympathize you. I am like a man in a girl's body. I can be sensitive but I don't show it to you. I get upset but now I have learnt to control it and just walk away.

This "friend" I'm talking about is close to us. I guess you do know her but you do too get annoyed by her.

The contract for myself:

I, Zarifah Aliah Bte Zulkifli.

1.Promise to get well and do very well for my N levels and O levels.

2.Never get into a relationship.

3. To get really well!

4. Would never forget you all as friends. Eventhough, next two years I may study abroad.

Signed,

Zarifah.

If I failed to succeed it, I will punish severely. I promise whatever it is I will try my best no matter what. Like the man says "To the Best!"

Zarifah,FIGHTING!

LOVE,
Zarifah

[5:48 PM]

Missing you all day long

Happy Belated July Everyone!

Well, hello again. I have not updated again. Been kind of busy with work. I mean school. My greatest achievement for this two weeks:

Able to attend school without an mc
Had done a fabulous or a wonderful job in English.

Been quite proud of myself. This week's objectives are:

Able to attend another week of school without getting sick
Taking a big step and pass all my test.
Being less forgetful

For point 3. I really don't know if I could really achieve it because I'm getting really forgetful. I don't know perhaps it's because of the medication.

I want a wonderful July.

Well let's pray the same thing.

This is my other prayer that I pray everyday.

Dear Almighty Allah, even my aunts says I may not achieve it but I do believe that I could achieve of getting a scholarship and study overseas after I get well. And I do really want to get well. I love you.

Ameen.

Well got to go.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[10:48 AM]

Missing you all day long

Picnic@ The Drain

Well I know I have not updated for a thousand of years. I been really "busy" with things. Well, N levels is coming. I'm prepared. I've been doing what The Secret has told me.

Well, If you have not read The Secret. you should totally read it.

The Law Of Attraction.

The Secret is a law of attraction. If you keep on telling yourself that you are weak. Then the world will act on you and it's attraction will say "Your wish is my command, you are weak." So as for today I have made a big mistake by telling myself that I am actually tired and the world is acting on me and my mind is telling me I was tired in school.

I would not want to say I do HATE Wednesday. To look on the brightside. I am loving Wednesday because there are only three lessons and the other two are just PE and Reading.

Back to the point, what has all of this has to do with the picnic at The Drain.

Well, for today I kept telling myself that my kitten will come home. And she will be found. So when my maid had want to show me a white cat, she was looking at it and and finally she found Mommy. Oh by the way my kitten name is Mommy. Weird, huh?

Well, we were trying to catch her and suddenly she went into the drain. So we had a picnic outside chatting while passer-by were just staring at us. So bibik had to wait for the whole day and I was at home doing my school work. Going in and out. So it was kind of frustrating but I was irritated and sweaty and smelly.

Sigh. As dad got home, he managed to open two drains and then poof. Suddenly the cat jumped out and it ran away. So now I'm just resting and telling myself that the cat will be home and be found again.

What a long day we did. Sitting at the drain. Hope it does not go to STOMP!

LOVE,
Zarifah

[7:41 PM]

Missing you all day long

Hi all. I know you might be probably wondering where was I? I'm like so busy nowadays that I don't have the time to blog at all.

Well, it just sucks to be me. I don't know why but I just find myself problematic. Insanity. It is everywhere. Sometimes I feel proud of myself without a reason. If you want to find me, go find me on twitter @Zarifahthename, I'm more active on twitter compared to blogs. Okay, the reason why I blog today cause I know the reason, it's because i'm frustrated with alot of things. I feel so unwanted in class, no like the class don't need me like I'm a student councillor of the school, I check for things like uniform and no used of handphones in class. It seems that i'm considered not a role model anymore. The class does not need me.

I just feel bored when the class does not need me. The job I does is what I love the most. Every morning before assembly check the uniform and attire of the students. I know I'm weird but that is what I love to do. I also love to the most serious things like stop students from using their handphone.

Well secondly, I just feel like complaining about myself for not being that hardworking enough. Well, I get sick easily and I hate it. I get fever due to stress and the fever is like high. I just hate it then that is when I throw up. I feel like being used by my body. It's like I have bulimic symptoms when I throw up and now when I cough it takes a bit bloody but blood does not go out. It's just the flavouring. Blood taste abit salty right? I feel that my blood pressure is very low. I feel that that there is heatburn in my body. Sometimes I feel like passing out.

Oh thirdly is not a complain, but I'm pretty excited to go for an audition. Well, it's not an audition but go to Alpha entertainment and tell them seriously that I want to become what I want. I just want to use my talent for once. I ofcourse not going alone. Well, I'm scared but I really hope they do approve. I'm going to prove to my CCA teacher(i'm no longer in) that I'm talented and not talent wasted.

Well, that's all. I know it short but I do have study. Good bye then!

Adios!

LOVE,
Zarifah

[2:20 PM]

Missing you all day long

M.I.A for awhile
You make me cry (You)
The reason I live on
Please don’t leave me
Just tell me why (why)
Oh wipe my tears tell me I’m so crazy (yeah)
Scream out call out (call out) Loudly yell out call out (call out)
This is not the end It hurts so much ah ee yah
Surge call out (call out) Please don’t throw me away baby

-Cry by Mblaq

I'm just crazy. I was not crazy 2011. I am still not prepared. I don't accept the future. Every minute that passed, I get sicker. I had the worst dream last night. I dreamt that I was in the hospital and the doctor had to do an operation because of my gastric. Then, I woke up. Seeing my little brother in the toilet vomiting. He is sick too. He is not that kind of sick like me but just sick because of gastric.

Well, 2011 why must you come?
I'm just sick and tired hearing that a close one passed away. Well i'm just sad okay. Feeling emotional in the new homeschooling religious class. But at least I learnt something. I was quite depressed when the ustaz says that when we don't believe in GOD, it's like someone blind and who does not see the world and why is he created. And most of them who does not believe actually commits sucide.

To me, I don't want to be that girl who does not believe in god because I do believe in god. It's just that I don't accept fate. I just want to give up because I don't want to suffer from the pain. Now I'm just reflecting alot.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[11:51 AM]

Missing you all day long

I seriously need to quit my CCA!

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

-The Only Exception By Paramore

I had enough, I had gone through alot of pain. I did not sleep for one day again which was two days ago. I saw things again. I hid. I swore and I cried. I just want to quit my freaking loser cca. I hate my CCA so much and I hate it. I tell everyone that angklung isn't cool. I'm tired of everyone expecting me to perform for SYF 2011. Would you stop it? I had enough. Really enough. I'm talent wasted, I get it. I go for CCA for the sake of my CCA points. I'm not going to perform anymore. I just want retire already from CCA.

In my mind, I'm cursing everyone including my primary school schoolmates. I call you schoolmates cause we are no longer friends except for some others. In my mind, I'm trying to tell everyone to get a life and get out. To the people out there that says let's do things together, do it yourselves. You are not fighting together cause I'm fighting this alone. I'm fighting my sickness alone. There is no together. I'm just tired and when people say you are not alone to me. I am alone. I am really alone fighting this depression. Writing on this blog kills me.

Can you pray,will you? I thought I will wake up 6.15 am last two days to pray since I could not sleep, I slept less than two hours but when I was asleep no one woke me up to pray until I found out it was 8 am. I really wanted to pray that you will pray. I'm just upset now. I just want to continue my life now and get the hell out of here.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[1:17 PM]

Missing you all day long

How does it hurt~ Now I, Now I, am not a kid
So Gloomy~ You don’t know what I feel right now

I’m absolutely not that young, I’m no longer a child
I know what is love, I know it too (love)
don't underestimate me, don't mess with me
I'm not a little kid anymore, I'm all grown up
I know the world, I know it too (the world)
don't underestimate me, don't mess with me

-Not young by UKiss

There are more than a million things that I want to tell my clique and my 3 best friends. But I don't know where to start. Depression is a serious thing when you experience in a teenage life and you wouldn't want to have it all. Your percentage to have teenage depression or any bipolar disorder is quite at a risk. I believe if you don't take care of yourselves really well you will end up like me.

Right now, I personally want to tell this to Charlotte something.

Charlotte,

Please,please, please focus on your work. Next year there isn't any time to joke around about who likes who. Please focus and remember that education is your number 1 priority to become a pilot. I am all for you okay. If you need help, I would find time or cut those unnecessary time that I have for you. Then when you be Secondary 4(crossing my fingers), I would give my best to help you....

Okay I will write one person first then write for the others later.Right now, I just feel depressed as usual... In my opinion, I don't think I have depression but I always think that I have bipolar disorder. But isn't it the same. I think it's the same. People as I repeat again, I'm not joking when I say I have depression.

I go to the clinic every one month to see the psychologist and every two months to see the psychiatrist. I take one tablet of Risperidone and two tablet of fluVOXamine. The Risperidone are for the voices that I hear sometimes and the fluVOXamine are for my depressed moods. I take it everynight and it makes me really tired. I am very stubborn at taking it cause sometimes I just don't feel like taking it and when I don't feel like taking it, it leads to insomnia. I can't sleep everynight without taking the medicine but my parents moniter me to take these medicine.

I think I have a problem with myself. I just hate it to be alone like now. When i'm alone now, I have the urge to do stupid things like overdosing myself but now I don't do it. I just locked in my room till my parents are home. How I wish my mother is here. I'm just angry at the fact that I have depression. I feel that my clique isn't helping me much to stay survive. But I only feel like Charlotte,Merissa and Letitia are the only ones in my clique helping me.

I really got no interest in writing or music but how ironic am I to join a music audition in December?

LOVE,
Zarifah

[4:05 PM]

Missing you all day long