My broken heart like a wave
My shaken heart like a wind
My heart vanished like a smoke
It can't be removed like a tattoo
I sigh deeply as if a ground is gonna cave in
Only dusts are piled up in my mind
(Say Goodbye)
-Haru Haru by Big Bang
My First time, I sincerely admit that I do have depression.
These emotional pain that i've been suffering will come to an end. I hope. It was today, I went to General Hospital with my mum. My family doctor referred me there so I do admit that I have depression.
The thing is I do blame myself for blaming that I didn't told anyone about it. If the next day you do want to sepak me, then you have every rights to do it. I do have lost interest in blogging. After the doctor it is soon developing.
I do want to say sorry to my best friend. Nurul,Denise and Sufi. Sorry for troubling you guys. Ever since, I been really very pompous towards you right? I'm really sorry. It's all my fault. I have been neglecting you right? I'm sorry, it's all my fault.
I want to say sorry to my class 3.3 2010. I do know that I have been the worst student leader. I know you guys always think I sided the teacher instead of you. Well, you are right. I do side the teachers and i'm sorry about that.
Pills, pills, pills.
LOVE,
Zarifah
[7:30 PM]
Missing you all day long
Ah,ah beautiful you
ah,ah, I know has yet to find
with anyone a sincere love
ah ah, Although it's such a waste
ah ah, I have given to you
at such a young age sincere love
Can you not accept it?
-Nuna,You're so pretty(Replay) by Shinee
C'mon You Can Do It!
People enough concerning about me. Although it's hard to believe me saying that I'm okay. You can do it! Forget the past. Remember yesterday when every teacher was angry at us. I do trust you guys actually.The thing as a student leader. I do have a bias mind when it comes to class and teachers. As you could see I'm sorry that I side the teachers.
Okay class,
Ms Loo
She is actually a nice teacher. Very nice I have ever seen. She is really forgiving. You say sorry, she will forgive you. I just don't get it why you guys hate her so much. I love her! Maybe to you guys is based whether the teacher scold you then that's why you start hating her. The thing is I see that she is teaching us to act like responsible girls and very independent. You want to bitch about her, well go through me first!
Ms Charlene
She isn't bimbotic. She is smart. She does support me to be a politican. See no one is stopping me. You say that she critisied on the students. Well she don't. I'm starting to like her. You can hate her all you want but bear with it, she will still be our Social Studies teacher whether you like it or not. She sets us goals and I want to achieve that goal. I want to pass Social Studies. If she teaches us with you guys complaining I bet there will be no complains.
Well there is more teachers that I can talk about. It's not that I am boasting about them but I do believe that one day you would just look up to them as a good role model.
Okay tomorrow, I know you guys, have test. Well all the best.
Special message for Merissa,Charlotte and Letitia!
Hey guys! Although I will not be there tomorrow. Please do your best!
I believe you can do it!
Zarifah
Okay, i'm scared. there are still questions in my head. Temptation thing is killing me. I promise Merissa and Letitia that I will not kill myself. So if they ever find out, they will kill me first. Sighs. I still do feel empty you know but I truely accept myself. I'm called a slave but I truely accept myself
LOVE,
Zarifah
[8:25 PM]
Missing you all day long
The only thing I can give is this song
All I have is this voice
Even if this makes you laugh
But I still sing
I hope you accept it
-This song by 2am
I'm a crazy girl. Not crazy maybe a little sick. Will I ever bring a bad report after the doctor's appointment. Sometimes, maybe you should not leave me alone. I'm scared most of the time.
Dear Class,
Please don't caused any trouble. I think I will go crazy anytime soon or maybe my symptoms would be shown. People might know about and I would go for councelling which I refuse myself from going. I as a Student Leader is responsible when the teachers isn't around.
Just do me a favour, please turn over a new leaf, I thought I would see the class how I would imagine it to be. The Class-Perfect but I think I got it all wrong. I'm not going to give up but I just want you guys to be good and listen to the teacher's advice. Don't cause any problems.
From,
Zarifah
Temptation is really crazy. I hold a packet of panadols last night. Had tears in my eyes. Things in my head ask me to go out of the house and up to the last floor. I keep on crying to every song that is on my walkman. Whether how funny is it.
Everyone's crazy. Damn! Sometimes why is my feelings so numb. I try not to cry although there's an urge that I have to cry no matter what.I feel guilty more often. Ms Liza, I do need your help. Please listen to whatever I have to say. I can't help myself.
There are questions that do run through my head.
What happens if they prescribe me medication?
Will I ever be able to sleep like normal now?
What if I still need the sleeping formula?
What would others think of me if I told them the truth?
It's hard okay. If you think that I do have a simple life. I don't okay! I admit it I don't have a simple life. It's hard being me especially when you are stuck in the position that I am in now.It's twice or maybe triple times as painful as you expect it to be. Sometimes when the people as "Are you okay?'
It's really hard to say "I am okay." although the truth is you are not. I try to hide it still away from everyone. Everyone, the thing is, there may be ups and down in life but everything that you will try. Please don't hide it away like me. Please tell it to anyone. I'm all stress up and crazy both at the same time. Please oh please don't ever refer me to any mental instituate.
I love you guys! 3.3 HWAITING! Change to a better person!
LOVE,
Zarifah
[6:05 PM]
Missing you all day long
I will be a person with a pretty heart
And become a person who is selfless
I'll keep the love of my mother's wishes
I think of a mother who used to share my dreams and brush my hair
Though I've made hurtful wrong choices
You silently watched me from behind
But now I think more than an innocent child
The meaning of mom's silent prayer
-Dear Mom By SNSD translation
I am really healing slowly. Although I can't see it but I do feel it. I know I have not been blogging for a long time. I finally confessed to my mum how I felt last week. The feeling of sadness inside me. Although how much I cry now a days.
I know I told some of you but I do really hope that you will keep it as a secret. This is not the thing that I want. It came to me without me knowing at first. Afterall, I just got to say, dear people, pleasse tell the truth about your feelings to your friends or your family.
Sometimes in school it is really hard for me not to cry but at home is different. Now I do have a maid, that will be home with me.
I'm still undergoing therapy. Take time to get back my intrest in blogging.
LOVE,
Zarifah
[2:10 PM]
Missing you all day long
I don't need anyone else,it's only you
When you ask it again, it's only you
Even if you have another love
I can't forget you,I can't turn back around
Oh~
The moment my eyes began to burn
The moment my hurt was captured by you
I have no regret, I choose you
That's right it's you
It's you by Super Junior English translation
I'm here and ready to let out my emotions that I've been keeping for the whole month. I can't do anything but smile how much it really hurts me alot. I wish people could understand me. It's not that, I just don't want you guys to be worried about me. I totally give up.
Today, I'm going to talk about today. That's what I could say. Maye not. Urging to cry infront of my tuition teachers that day was really horrible. I just wish I could just give up my own life and when I do it. I make sure that I make the right choice. I'm just emotional these days pretending not to be emotional.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been wanting to tell you this but really afraid to tell you guys these. I do need to see a doctor because I do have reasons with myself. Very bad reasons. I think I do have bipolar disorder. Not that, i do have symptoms that I don't dare to admit to my parents. I had this since then.I just need help.
Why do I believe a small little talking bear? I asked my mum so that I could be okay. But I really cry everytime when the bear talks to me.
And...and...I will try to be normal...hold on just need to close my eyes for awhile. It helps but it will return later somewhere at anther night or maybe a few hours.
Dear everyone,
I'm not writing a sucidal note or something,
I just want to let you guys really know what I have been going through
I promise I will be fine really soon.
I know I have said this a million times but I promise I be really okay.
I am not an open book now a days because I don't you to be worried about me.
When I'm at the highest point of a building, I don't think of jumping down, I am only seeing light. I also have thought that my late uncle and late great grandmother would visit me every night like last time, I guessed I was wrong. It was just me.
Love,
Zarifah
Okay that's all.
LOVE,
Zarifah
[8:10 PM]
Missing you all day long
oh baby baby please don't forget about all of past times, memories we shared
i will run to you anytime if you call me silently with your eyes closed
every day, every night i need you
translation of the song Sunset glow by Big Bang
New Years Resolution
Okay this year, my new years resolution is to make new friends, less death and never to cry at night.
I do want to celebrate it properly next year because I do know i'm still upset. Thanks Aki for the advice.
LOVE,
Zarifah
[5:10 PM]
Missing you all day long
I will be a person with a pretty heart
Name:Zarifah Aliah Bte Zulkifli
