BLOW ME AWAY

♥Sunday, February 28, 2010

Mommy,are we going to die today?No one will bother us
There's not even a reason to waste any time
(Sometimes) We could be far from each other
(With the same heart) The same heart as one, dreaming the same dream

Even if a very long time passes (A long time passes)
Even if you and I become a bit different (A bit different)
I want to dream forever with you like this
The one who fulfilled my wishes, the one who became my faith, with you

-I want to dream with you(Forever) by SNSD

Today was the day that most likely predict that the world will end. Maybe that movie 2012 was real. Now exactly in Singapore I do feel a punch in the heart. I do feel a bad punch that Singapore is going to be gone. I know you will not believe me but it's okay.

Might as well, I just end my life. I can't stay in this world. It's really crazy. Why didn't I believe the voices that this was going to happen? I just put them aside. They knew it better. Stupid

Zarifah. Stupid. You're just so stupid. You're stupidity just struck you today.

I just hope that nothing is going to happen to my family. Just before these world goes, can I ask something from my grandfather because my birthday will be soon so the mid of March. He will ask me.

Grandfather,

I know I'm one of your favourite grandchildren but can I ask you for something?

Can I have an LG Chocolate BL40 for my birthday or that LG Cyon Maxx phone. Please. Just for my birthday. Thank you. I love you. And and can you share the gift with Bik-bik,Paman-paman, Nenek, Iman and Nadrah because it's going to be expensive. If best, share it with my parents too excluding mom because she's paying for my UK trip.

Love,

Zarifah

Okay now. I'm seriously stress. This depression. It always is destrupted with the world issues. I am going for my next check up this Wednesday. Spending my whole day at the hospital. Sighs. I wish you guys could be there. I love you! I just want to sleep normally. Without pills, without crying myself to sleep at night

LOVE,
Zarifah

[7:00 PM]

Missing you all day long

The star lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake I miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'll send postcard to you dear
Cause I wish you were here

-Vanilla Twilight By Owl City

Sorry Teacher...
I'm student healing from depression.
I have lots of negative thoughts and never ever had a positive thoughts before.
I wish you were always there for me. I want a motherly hug. A fatherly pose of a sign of a protective person. But why didn't you save me. I'm swimming really hard before I could wake up saying that it was a nightmare. I'm drowning.

Sorry Merissa,

Almost everyday. You have to see me really teary because I'm swimming really hard and no one saves me. In my eyes, I no longer see me sitting in the classroom but swimming really hard. The current really hard. I see a boat but I try to scream in the water but no one saves me.

Teacher. I'm trying to get back my down-to-earth personality back. I want it back desperately. I'm like a handicap person. I get up but fall again and again. I get up,start walking a few steps and then fall again.

I wish people would not ask how I feel?

I feel really hurt.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[7:04 PM]

Missing you all day long

A late night and rain falling down
I bring you back from my memories.
I promised myself I would be fine without you, but I can’t help it.
I take in liquor which I don’t even know how to handle trying to fill my empty heart
A day without you is too long.
I pray that I may please forget you (that’s a lie).

-Lie by Big Bang

The loneliness of me.

For the past few weeks. I admit to myself that I have not been proud of myself. But I do accept myself. I know I have withdrawn away from my friends but I do accept that. I accept myself that some people left me alone with a broken heart.

First, I promise that I would keep myself alive for the next few months and weak. Depression. I'm fighting it all alone. The medicine really made me really sleepy and tired. I want to sleep. I do have bad dreams that made me wake up 3 to 4 times at the middle of the night and it is really hard to sleep back.

I shall now pray for everyone.

Dear God,

My wish is everyday, I could wake up normally and be normal like everyone around me. I do not wish of the bad dreams you give me to happen. Please support my friends who are supporting me right now. I do wish that you might give them a better pathway for them than towards me. God, I wish that you could keep my friends, grandparents and my parents really healthy. Give me the will to stay happy as I could and please let my friends know that everyday, I love them and love you, Allah.

Amin.

I'm scared. My heart is thumping really fast. I do have sucidal thoughts just to let you guys know but I promise not to kill myself. Thanks you guys for making me move forward. I love you all.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[8:29 AM]

Missing you all day long

I just wish that my friends won't get me. So that they would not know i'm really suffocating in these depression. I hate it when people ask me how I am feeling and I always have to lie to them them saying i'm okay. It hurts alot. You want to know from the scale 1-10. It's a 9. It does really hurt alot.

I just want the best for my friends. I'm tired and annonyed with myself. Why can't I give up my own life right now?

Oh maybe it's the friends I have that keep me going. I'm scared about tomorrow. The blood test.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[6:08 PM]

Missing you all day long

I'm a loner, I'm a loner. daridiridara du~
I'm a loner, I'm a loner. daridiridara du~
I'm a loner, I'm a loner.
I'm a loner hurt by love and waiting for love.
sad sad sad sad sad sad sad tonight, I want this to be a dream.
Oh no no no no no body knows, no body knows me.
one two three four five six seven night, I'm crying passing many nights awake.

-I'm a Loner by C.N.Blue

I will start pointing my fingers but i'm really sorry if I do point at you. This are the people who I don't think is supporting me from my depression. I'm sorry but since I have not told everyone that i'm really okay with it.

Abang.

For the last six months I have never recieved a hug from you saying that I will be okay. You have never ask me whether I was okay. You didn't want to know. I wanted to tell you first that I had this reaction at first but your reaction was "I'm busy right now...", "Zarifah, I am really tired..." and "Can you tell me later?...*Then goes off to sleep* Though we are really close. I do respect you and supported you from the start. The truth is I treat you better than Akmal. I have this bias set of my mind. I would always sided you whether you were in trouble or what. But you have never done this. Now, about ten minutes ago, I just made your hand bleed. That hurt you right? But it hurt me the most, that I hurt you when I have no intention. I'M A MONSTER. I'm really sorry. I can't say sorry because I am really speechless. Be mad all you want. I'm okay, I just do respect you that's all.

Akmal

Please stop these necessary things. I need to sleep closer to the television at night. I'm swimming really hard at night. I end up drowning again. 4 nights in the row. No one saves me. I am far away. They can't hear me. I tend to shiver unconsicously because I notice that I do it in my dream. Just stop irritating me and blaming me. I never visit Atok because i'm still scared of the reactions it gives me. It happens all the time. I get worried all the time.

I only tell my 20 percent of it. I will tell my other 50 of it when you ask. I know now you support me but what happen the 6 months before. You neglected me, ignore my messages of how I feel. Now I thought I would be okay. I think in the long run I will end in IMH. Which I'm really scared now...Help me

LOVE,
Zarifah

[9:57 PM]

Missing you all day long

No matter how many times I look at you, I can't see you, oh baby
Because of the tears in my eyes, all because of you
My crying face that is reflecting above the spread letters, oh baby
I promised myself I wouldn't cry again, but I'm crying again

-Star Star Star By SNSD

These two girls are kinda my favourite member but my most favourite is the one wearing yellow who is the maknae of the group, Seohyun. So before I talk more about why I decide to write after midnight is because I really can't help myself.

Merissa-Thank you dear for helping me.

I'm really disturb because I can't really sleep right now. No matter how hard I try, there isn't any sign of sleepyness. I'm scared for tomorrow once again. By now I should be sleeping but sighs.

All I could tell myself. Relax and breathe. I can't really tell how I feel now. Shivering and cold. It's like I'm wet but cold sweats.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[11:50 PM]

Missing you all day long

I cried alot because of you(I cried every night)
I laughed alot because of you(Because of you)
I believe in love because of you(Woah boy)
I lost everything because of you
I'm speechless,suffocating and lonely
The world without you has
Chewed out my heart
Stomped on my dignity
Torn apart my heart
So why did you leave me behind?

-Because Of You by After School

The truth about me for the past few weeks.

It's true that i'm suffering from it. Is just that I don't have the courage to tell everyone in the world that I do have it. It is the depression. Well, loss my interest in blogging is one thing that I was worried about. I do still cry now. I just don't want to tell my parents that I still do it.

Although it has been killing me, the things around me asking me to kill myself. I did have thoughts about killing myself before and sometimes now. I''m sorry mom and dad. I'm really trying hard right now. Really sorry.

My teachers, I wish you could go through this with me. I'm really depressed, I just need your help. I am a slave but i truely accept myself, teacher. Please understand how I feel and be in my position. The emptiness is one thing. With the medicine it really hurts not to be my unusual self. I want to be my usual self. Love myself before the date that used to be before August 30 , 2009. I want to be the cheerful girl who love everyone in this world. Now, i'm really don't know if they truely love me.

I want to say "I love you"sincerely to my seniors and my junior even to my best friends. I'm scared of the word depression that I don't want others to think that I'm such a mentally ill girl. I'm not okay. I have no courage saying i'm great or i love myself.

It hurts my heart everytime. I do hear things very distracting things. Please give me patient

LOVE,
Zarifah

[6:07 PM]

Missing you all day long