BLOW ME AWAY

♥Friday, February 12, 2010

I'm a loner, I'm a loner. daridiridara du~
I'm a loner, I'm a loner. daridiridara du~
I'm a loner, I'm a loner.
I'm a loner hurt by love and waiting for love.
sad sad sad sad sad sad sad tonight, I want this to be a dream.
Oh no no no no no body knows, no body knows me.
one two three four five six seven night, I'm crying passing many nights awake.

-I'm a Loner by C.N.Blue

I will start pointing my fingers but i'm really sorry if I do point at you. This are the people who I don't think is supporting me from my depression. I'm sorry but since I have not told everyone that i'm really okay with it.

Abang.

For the last six months I have never recieved a hug from you saying that I will be okay. You have never ask me whether I was okay. You didn't want to know. I wanted to tell you first that I had this reaction at first but your reaction was "I'm busy right now...", "Zarifah, I am really tired..." and "Can you tell me later?...*Then goes off to sleep* Though we are really close. I do respect you and supported you from the start. The truth is I treat you better than Akmal. I have this bias set of my mind. I would always sided you whether you were in trouble or what. But you have never done this. Now, about ten minutes ago, I just made your hand bleed. That hurt you right? But it hurt me the most, that I hurt you when I have no intention. I'M A MONSTER. I'm really sorry. I can't say sorry because I am really speechless. Be mad all you want. I'm okay, I just do respect you that's all.

Akmal

Please stop these necessary things. I need to sleep closer to the television at night. I'm swimming really hard at night. I end up drowning again. 4 nights in the row. No one saves me. I am far away. They can't hear me. I tend to shiver unconsicously because I notice that I do it in my dream. Just stop irritating me and blaming me. I never visit Atok because i'm still scared of the reactions it gives me. It happens all the time. I get worried all the time.

I only tell my 20 percent of it. I will tell my other 50 of it when you ask. I know now you support me but what happen the 6 months before. You neglected me, ignore my messages of how I feel. Now I thought I would be okay. I think in the long run I will end in IMH. Which I'm really scared now...Help me

LOVE,
Zarifah

[9:57 PM]

Missing you all day long