BLOW ME AWAY

♥Wednesday, July 28, 2010

If you see me being happy, please suffer
I hope you cry and regret throwing me away

Though I smile, my heart is crying
I hope you're in pain, though I'm suffering more
I'm telling myself I'm happy, and I can be happier
Though I'm trying to lie to my heart, it won't listen

Good person by Tiara

Dearest Mirror,

why are you still crying? Your sadness in the eyes makes me feel so uneasy when I look at you. Do your parents love you? Yes. Then why are you still crying? Please don't cry when I look at you, you look still sad despite being happy or angry.

Zarifah

Here goes again. My mood suddenly hit me. Everything is so bloody. I think it's true when people say, "girl ah don't cry too much you will go blind one day" Don't you think that's stupid everytime when someone says that I tend to cry more. I have cry enough. Aren't tears supposed to be happiness? Mine are like salt. They can be very painful when you put salt on blood.

I'm not looking for attention but I'm just sad now-a-days. It's rather painful when someone go and scold you and make fun of you for no reason. Class, would you give me some space? I do need the class to be quiet sometimes. 34 more days to my uncle's death anniversary. I don't want to be in school on that day but it's teacher's day. It's a force to be in school on that day. Another one more month, to a year.

Uncle, why do I still think that you're still alive?

I suffered for more than alot of grief. Everyday in the car, I would listen to my grandfather's conversation with my mom. Each day, he reads the newspaper he would at least tell my mom that his great friends passed away. Everytime when I listen to that conversation, when will it be my grandfather's next time to face fate? The truth is I don't ever want him to go. If anyone goes in the family, it takes me a long time to recover and I have to go back to square one.

Dear god,

Please don't ever take any of my family away. Take me instead. I love you and my family so much. I don't want to suffer. I love you so much, make my grandparents healthy as always and my parents living in a better life. Please make my two brothers strong and healthy and please love them as much as I do. Please take care of my bestfriends really well, they meant alot to me.

Amin

LOVE,
Zarifah

[4:55 PM]

Missing you all day long

When you laught I feel good too, even when you say you're just pretending
The day when I wait for you
The night when I miss you, you bring me happiness

Even when I'm alone it's okay
If I can just see you
I'm always behind you
I'm always looking out for you, but it seems like I have to share

Good person by Super Junior

Do you know that when you look at bubbles it relieves your stress?
Yes. I am aware of that.

Why am I not aware that you hurt your mom's heart just like that when I say I give up. The truth is I do really want to give up. Everyday praying and thanking god is what I always do. Zarifah you are damn stupid you know, you hurt everyone's heart including your own bestfriend. You always tell your bestfriend that you give up. Oh great it's 5.30 pm. It's when I always say I want to give up.

Can I ask you a question that I hope none is angry about. What happens one day, I sacrifised my own life? I feel okay about it. Today I almost fainted near the traffic light to tell you the truth, once in awhile when you look at cars passing by so fast. Sometimes there is this feeling that you just have to crossed the road just like that. It was just a headache looking at the cars that passed by. As a person who is suffering from grieving I do feel like just dashing across the road like that. The truth is I did that but was stopped by a woman. She of course scolded me but I told her that I was not feeling well and thought that light was green.

What I did was pretty stupid. My body is aching right now. I just want to get out of this house and get on a random bus and stopped far away from home. Where will I go? I don't know. Maybe near the graveyard. I'm okay going anyway actually but getting caught will be a hard thing for me to cope.

Sorry mom, but I just give up...

LOVE,
Zarifah

[5:13 PM]

Missing you all day long

It's okay even if I can't see
It's okay even if I can't breath
If I could meet you only once
If I could give you all my heart

How much more do I have to miss you
So that maybe you could know my heart?
How much more do I to cry and cry
So that tears could be dry?

It's Okay even if It hurts by Seohyun SNSD

I'll give you the truth...

Time has passed really fast. I really don't know aboout me. I'm completely lost and very sickly. Well that's what I am. Well, I want to say the truth but to let you know the truth may hurt my bestfriends and my parents.

I'm tired of what I am. I'm pretty hopeless and I don't give a damn about myself. I suck the most and I hate it when people talks about death. My moods are unbearable and they are terrible, I can hurt someone really badly like my little brother, I smacked my little brother's face with a book.

I want to give up, I really do want to give up. I feel that the teachers have no hope for me and I'm pretty much a stupid girl that everyone sees me. I tried to kill myself more than ten times and forced to escape at least most of the time.

I give up. I don't want to see anything that in the future because everyone is pretty much a bitch. I quit! I quit!

And that is me speaking to all of you

LOVE,
Zarifah

[6:17 PM]

Missing you all day long

Stop right there before I show tears
Stop right there before separation comes
So you can't leave, so you can't abandon me and leave
From here on, time please stop

Saying farewell, how am I supposed to be well
How am I supposed to send you away while smiling
I can't do that kind of stuff, I'll pretend I didn't hear it
Don't say anything and stop right there

-Time,Please Stop by Davinchi

I'm not a perfect person but I don't wish to meet with anyone at the moment not even my primary school teachers. As this year came, there seems to be broken friendships among some of my friends and I. Mom, I want you to be home right now. I'm so lonely. I don't want dad. I'm afraid of him.

Truthfully, I don't like to cry infront of my dad because he will scold me if I have cried infront of him. I don't even dare to say a word what had happened at home. If I was even more open to my teachers I would just cry infront of them and my classmates would called me for being so sensitive. My chest hurts so much. Everyday there seems to pressured. Am I sick? Hope not. I have to go through many blood test and so much test.

If there seems to be something with my chest I would not call my grandparents and my friends because I don't want them to treat me like as if I'm going to die anytime soon. My eyes are like damn swollen now, although i'm not crying, i guess? Hope that I would not retain this year. There are few things I would want to do next year.

Next Year:

Pass N levels

Blood donation at least once a month

Get well

Be Healthy as my older brother will be going for his National Service.

This year seems to be the preacious year as my brother before he goes for NS. I would want to spent at least a day with him. I don't want to scare him because I'm kind of weak right now, I don't want him to skip NS because of me. Though, I will miss him so much, this year we will be going to Austraila to have our last holidays together. Well, is it true if you smile, you're perfect? For these year I have tried to be a perfectionist. It's scary though. However I still have to pray that no one will be going from me. No one, if I have to blamed god again, I would punished and hate myself because I blamed him. I love him so much now. He is doing his best to protect my family and me, that's why I love god.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[2:07 PM]

Missing you all day long

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

-Look What You've done by Jet

I can't find my happy memories. I'm alone fighting this. I read comments and hurtful comments that people say about depression and oh boy, i'm hurt by it. But it's my life whether I want to take it so seriously or not.

People seriously when I look at myself. I say I would end up in the hospital again though people say i'm getting better but to me, i'm getting worse. My June holidays were a nightmare. Thoughts of sucide was there. Well, mom scolded me yesterday because of the death of Park Yongha. She scolded me because I kept on reading this and watching drama.

I really want to blog but today i'm seriously sick because of gastric flu

LOVE,
Zarifah

[6:10 PM]

Missing you all day long