BLOW ME AWAY

♥Sunday, November 28, 2010

I seriously need to quit my CCA!

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

-The Only Exception By Paramore

I had enough, I had gone through alot of pain. I did not sleep for one day again which was two days ago. I saw things again. I hid. I swore and I cried. I just want to quit my freaking loser cca. I hate my CCA so much and I hate it. I tell everyone that angklung isn't cool. I'm tired of everyone expecting me to perform for SYF 2011. Would you stop it? I had enough. Really enough. I'm talent wasted, I get it. I go for CCA for the sake of my CCA points. I'm not going to perform anymore. I just want retire already from CCA.

In my mind, I'm cursing everyone including my primary school schoolmates. I call you schoolmates cause we are no longer friends except for some others. In my mind, I'm trying to tell everyone to get a life and get out. To the people out there that says let's do things together, do it yourselves. You are not fighting together cause I'm fighting this alone. I'm fighting my sickness alone. There is no together. I'm just tired and when people say you are not alone to me. I am alone. I am really alone fighting this depression. Writing on this blog kills me.

Can you pray,will you? I thought I will wake up 6.15 am last two days to pray since I could not sleep, I slept less than two hours but when I was asleep no one woke me up to pray until I found out it was 8 am. I really wanted to pray that you will pray. I'm just upset now. I just want to continue my life now and get the hell out of here.

LOVE,
Zarifah

[1:17 PM]

Missing you all day long

How does it hurt~ Now I, Now I, am not a kid
So Gloomy~ You don’t know what I feel right now

I’m absolutely not that young, I’m no longer a child
I know what is love, I know it too (love)
don't underestimate me, don't mess with me
I'm not a little kid anymore, I'm all grown up
I know the world, I know it too (the world)
don't underestimate me, don't mess with me

-Not young by UKiss

There are more than a million things that I want to tell my clique and my 3 best friends. But I don't know where to start. Depression is a serious thing when you experience in a teenage life and you wouldn't want to have it all. Your percentage to have teenage depression or any bipolar disorder is quite at a risk. I believe if you don't take care of yourselves really well you will end up like me.

Right now, I personally want to tell this to Charlotte something.

Charlotte,

Please,please, please focus on your work. Next year there isn't any time to joke around about who likes who. Please focus and remember that education is your number 1 priority to become a pilot. I am all for you okay. If you need help, I would find time or cut those unnecessary time that I have for you. Then when you be Secondary 4(crossing my fingers), I would give my best to help you....

Okay I will write one person first then write for the others later.Right now, I just feel depressed as usual... In my opinion, I don't think I have depression but I always think that I have bipolar disorder. But isn't it the same. I think it's the same. People as I repeat again, I'm not joking when I say I have depression.

I go to the clinic every one month to see the psychologist and every two months to see the psychiatrist. I take one tablet of Risperidone and two tablet of fluVOXamine. The Risperidone are for the voices that I hear sometimes and the fluVOXamine are for my depressed moods. I take it everynight and it makes me really tired. I am very stubborn at taking it cause sometimes I just don't feel like taking it and when I don't feel like taking it, it leads to insomnia. I can't sleep everynight without taking the medicine but my parents moniter me to take these medicine.

I think I have a problem with myself. I just hate it to be alone like now. When i'm alone now, I have the urge to do stupid things like overdosing myself but now I don't do it. I just locked in my room till my parents are home. How I wish my mother is here. I'm just angry at the fact that I have depression. I feel that my clique isn't helping me much to stay survive. But I only feel like Charlotte,Merissa and Letitia are the only ones in my clique helping me.

I really got no interest in writing or music but how ironic am I to join a music audition in December?

LOVE,
Zarifah

[4:05 PM]

Missing you all day long